Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

  • Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
  • Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
  • Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
  • Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
  • Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
  • Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
  • Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
  • Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
  • Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
  • Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
  • Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
  • Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
  • Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
  • Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
  • Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
  • Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
  • Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
  • Dad: Fuck the government.
  • Dad: Fuck the school board.
  • Dad: Close the door.
  • Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
  • Dad: I love puns.
  • Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
  • Dad: Please shut up.
  • Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
  • Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
  • Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
  • Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
  • Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
  • Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
  • Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
  • Dad: They act like I care what they think.
  • Dad: I hate homework.
  • Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
  • Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.

witchglitter:

femifeisty:

DESTROY THE MYTH THAT TEENAGE GIRLS WHO IDENTIFY AS BISEXUAL ARE DOING IT FOR ATTENTION

Exactly this, but teenage girls have the responsibility of not pretending to be bisexual for male attention too because it fucking happens and it makes me feel shit when I’ve been used as a prop by other females to impress guys. Really needs to work both ways before anybody takes this perfectly legitimate sexuality seriously.

bigrnac:

lets play “how rude can i be until u realize i dont like u”

(Source: ouijasquiji, via keep-calm-and-jump)

http://theyoungradical.tumblr.com/post/92366472590/pax-arabica-a-wake-up-call-to-all-the

pax-arabica:

A wake up call to all the ahistorical drones defending Israel, touting the myth that it just wanted peace in 1948 but all the evil Arabs invaded:

The ethnic cleansing of Palestine began before the 1948 war.

There are three especially important massacres that the Zionist gangs…

chasmofsarcasm:

how to tell if someone is really bisexual:

  • if a true bisexual utters their name backwards, it will send them back to their home dimension for a minimum of 90 days. 
  • fire type bisexuals will always be able to learn the move solarbeam, unless they are flareon. 
  • biologically, bisexuals are incapable of going down stairs.
  • some bisexuals are unable to cast a shadow, though this is currently up for debate

(via starrieyed)

cooasswhiteboiii47:

thekingofhorror:

robemmy:

Hypocrisy

So fucking powerful.

can’t get over this

(via english-l0ve-affair)

microcroft:

xekstrin:

imperfectwriting:

smalldoll:

If you are a vegetarian I totally support you and will make you non-meaty foods

If you are a vegetarian that doesn’t let me eat meat in front of you I will organize a hotdog eating contest in front of your house

I am a vegetarian, and I support this message.

I am also a vegetarian, and I also support that message.

(Source: a8sconds, via greymuke)

casterlyceersei:

The Lannister Childeren

(via invisible-blackk)

therealehimetalorunuabona:

americansavior:

itsjustsatanthings:

cumber-bitches:

caswantsdeansassbutt:

cumber-bitches:

cumber-bitches:

I have fruit polos and lollypops be jealous.

omg do many people not know what fruit polos are? they are heaven

image

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In America, we call them lifesavers. They can be chewy or hard candy. 

polos aren’t chewy and they also come in mint.

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this week on: britan thinks its special

We are special. We have Greggs.

(via captain-assmurica)

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